My Friends (and you are my friends):
I stand before you today to ask for your support and your vote in my reelection campaign.
No election is as important as the one happening this November. The reasons are many and varied and there are multiple reasons too. One reason is that our country is going to Hell in a handbasket. Another is that my opponent is an unworthy dipshit whose embrace of fascist communist ideology, together with his eating multiple breakfasts seriatim in the official dining room, mark him as a guy you don’t want to have around.
Let me give you some examples. I proposed a fabulous messaging bill–the kind that enacts nothing but that people love–called “The Serendipity of Corn Flakes: Recognizing the All- American Breakfast And For Other Purposes”–and he opposed it saying, and I quote, “This is bubkes!” using a word that in translation means horse droppings and is understood to mean trivial, worthless and useless.
I ask you, have you ever? I haven’t!
On another occasion my stupid opponent, addressing the bankruptcy trustee of the Boy Scouts of America, Inc. and Its Homosexual Committee, claimed that I caused that bankruptcy when I forbade my daughters from joining on the grounds that they weren’t boys, and urged other fathers to do likewise, leading my girls to truancy, smoking unfiltered and unflavored cigarettes, unpreparedness, dirty fingernails and generalized filth all around.
This was all untrue except for the fact that I wouldn’t let them join. One of them is now 34 and the other is 46 and they are both doing great at their respective institutions. Bathing and eating real food!
But enough about my opponent, that sick sloth.
Let me tell you a little bit about me. In my service to my district, quoting W. S. Gilbert, “I always voted at my party’s call and never did any thinking for myself at all.” Understanding that it’s impossible to know better than your party’s leader is the first tenet of elective office and folks, I lived up to that requirement. For example, when a bill was proposed by my leader abolishing Main Street in our district and turning it into a parking lot, I voted “aye,” you better believe it! (The bill failed because of bipartisan communist opposition.)
On another occasion, as a member of the sought-after Fisheries Committee, I refused to let them include matjes herring as fish on the grounds that it was no longer fish because deceased and that it was a delicacy anyway.
So support me in November. You may regret it but I won’t!